Falling Short

Today's verse (see bottom of page) has particular meaning to me; how ironic that it would greet me here today (I have a set widget to provide it), like a taunt - although a well-earned one.

Ephesians 4:2-3 : Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

I spent the day with a person who was near impossible to tolerate. There was no malice in this person - a lot of good, in fact. But her social skills were so lacking that I found myself breathing deeply and biting my tongue . . .

I put myself in this position intentionally. She wanted to accompany me on a road trip, and I consented, knowing it would be difficult, but feeling that it was 1-an opportunity to practice some patience, which I lack severely, and some humility (it's too easy to feel superior to such a person) and 2-an opportunity to do a penance.

As I said, there is no malice in her. She is desperate to share herself, so desperate that during six hours of constant conversation she barely took a breath. I could count the times on one hand I was permitted to finish a sentence or thought. I half-listened to her prattle on about nothing, trying to learn something, trying to see Christ in her.

I am disappointed in my effort. I betrayed no outward hint of my frustration with her - I am sure of it. But inwardly I sighed and seethed and stifled laughter at her lack of discretion, propriety, and class. Not snapping at her, not hurting her, isn't enough. I should have been able to love her as God's child, to see a part of Jesus in her. I couldn't. I really have no idea how to begin, in a situation like that.

I think about the description of the "Illuminative Way" (see yesterday's post) and realize that in this, I cannot rely on my own tools and ambitions. I have nothing in me for this. Only God and the Holy Spirit can do this. I'm ashamed to learn that I fell so short of my own aspirations. . . that my pride runs deep, and worse that I am so lacking in Christian love.

The upside is that my challenge is crystal clear now: pray for help with these particular issues, and work hard on them. If I can't overcome this - if I can't begin to comprehend Christian love toward this person, the most harmless of all, how can I pretend to follow Christ's most basic commandments - that I love others as myself?

Others call me kind, and generous, and when they do I feel the color rise in my face - not from bashfulness (of which I possess little to none) but because of shame that they are wrong. My outward behavior is exemplary - I have trained myself to think of others' needs always, to treat every child of God with respect and kindness. But if I don't FEEL this respect, what is the kindness really worth? Surely I make their life on earth easier with a moment of kindness, but I that isn't enough. It isn't what Christ asked.

Lord, please forgive my shortcomings this day, which were many. Thank you for the challenge and lesson; surely you would sorely challenge only someone whose heart you wish to see grow. Thank you that she left my car in joy, feeling she had a wonderful day. Thank you that she, and anyone, thinks so highly of me - one who deserves the respect so little. Help me open my eyes and heart and know a path to loving others as I wish to be loved by others. Forgive the arrogance I have to judge anyone whom you have created and love. Please wrap my hard heart in your light, and help me learn a better way. Amen.
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Free Falling

I have given much thought to where I've traveled in the past twenty-odd years in the spiritual sense. Reading last night, I ran into descriptions of stages a soul passes through in seeking God. How strange - I know I've read the same years ago but it didn't move me or even make much sense; evidently I wasn't at a place where I could understand it. Now it moves me. How fascinating a journey of the soul is, and how interesting that each soul, searching alone for God, travels a road similar to those who have gone before...

Christian mystic tradition identifies several stages on the way of the interior journey. St. Teresa of Avila and St. John of the Cross gave descriptive language to them . . .

The Purgitive Way (also called the Way of Beginners or Ordinary Way)
The first stage which the soul passes through, where it completely comprehends itself as stained with original sin and as humanly imperfect. Through vocal prayer, penance, and self-denial it grows and consciously purifies itself. This is a conscious effort on the part of the contemplative person: vices and faults can to an extent be eliminated or lessened through sincere personal effort. This is called the Dark Night of the Senses.

The Illuminative Way (also called the Way of Proficients)
The second stage consists of the soul learning contemplative prayer, learning the value of silence in seeking God's presence, and one begins to know Christ more intimately. The Illuminative Way is different than the Purgative in that this second stage requires God's intervention. While a person may pass through the first stage by will alone, true illumination only happens through grace, with the Holy Spirit working to lead the soul and intellect. Thus, the second stage (like the third) is purely a gift from God to the individual.

The Unitive Way
This is a state of ecstatic union with God, the highest state of grace in an earthly life.

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And where do I fall in the spectrum? I believe I am at the end of the Way of Beginners, where I have been since roughly 1985, and am just leaving it and moving into the Illuminative Way. I find myself continually in a state of amazement at the sudden change, and infusion of grace.

What did I do differently now, that suddenly that long road seems behind me? It was so often a lonely road - I never doubted God, honestly, but often doubted that I had any of his attention. I felt desolate, isolated, hopeless, for years. Suddenly now, I feel an energy, a transformation of some kind. . . as if I am on the brink of a new great awareness. I am excited by this, and afraid when I wonder if I will be adequate to the work required to achieve it. I

Even writing this, I feel some shame. . . who am I to speak of this grace, to announce its presence? But I feel strongly called to leave some record of this, as others greater than I in the past have done. Their voices have been there through centuries for us to learn from if we choose.

God keep me on a true path, guard my humility, chastise my pride, help me recognize fantasy and heresy whenever I might fall victim to them. Thank you for your intervention in my life - a life so ordinary and insignificant and commonplace. Amen. Read entire piece.